Help! I Hate My... Nemesis

Every week, The Art Journal’s resident art world Agony Aunt Charlotte Jansen answers your questions about access, gatekeeping and sticky social problems.

Have a burning question for her? Get in touch anonymously here.

There’s someone in the art world I simply cannot stand. And they seem to be everywhere.

We work in overlapping circles, have mutual friends and are constantly thrown together at exhibition openings, dinners and fairs. I grit my teeth and smile but I can’t take much more.

Do I need to learn to live with my art world nemesis, or is there a dignified way to stop letting someone else ruin my evening?

Oh this is juicy stuff. I have several art world frenemies, but I seem quite good at avoiding them for the most part. I consider it a badge of honour to have made at least some enemies. You can’t like or be liked by everyone, and I think it’s honestly a bit odd if you are.

Having a full blown nemesis that you keep being thrust upon is different though. Unlike an enemy in ordinary life, you can’t just block or delete them. They will always be three people ahead of you in the line for Frieze, sitting across the table at dinner or standing in front of the artwork you wanted to look at. Oh and of course, you know all the same people and everyone seems to love them. They’re tossing their hair and smiling all the time and you’re standing there grinding your teeth.

I would start by lowering the stakes. You don’t need to defeat this nemesis. Their existence or presence does not need to diminish yours or ruin your evening. You need to aim for something like peaceful coexistence. That means you don’t have to impress or outwit them to feel you’ve won. But, at the same time, you don’t need to have any meaningful conversations with this person. You don’t need to like them. Just be impeccably civil.

“Lovely to see you.” “How’s that show going?” “Excuse me, I’m just going to say hello to someone.” Three sentences that can carry you surprisingly far. Fake it ‘til you make it.

Stop allowing this person to take up so much space in your head, rent free. It’s like they’re attending everything twice – physically, and inside your head. Everything they do will irritate you – and then you will replay it. You’re making them a central character in your story. There’s clearly something about them that particularly bugs you – their politics? Their appearance? The cut of their gib? Maybe, uncomfortably, they embody something you wish you had. That’s what is worth examining here in order to properly move on from this dire situation. Envy is unpleasant, but it can be remarkably precise. They might be less of a villain than you think.

Of course, I’m not saying you need to turn all magnanimous overnight. Some people really are difficult and annoying. If this person is genuinely undermining you, gossiping about you, behaving abusively or professionally sabotaging you, that's different. In that case, stop worrying about being “dignified” and start setting boundaries. You don’t need to be tolerant. Avoid them. But if we're talking about someone who is smug, competitive, overconfident, socially omnipresent and blessed with good looks, I’m afraid your best course of action is less dramatic: let them be. But also, let yourself be bigger than them. Break the spell and this hold they have over you. Everything’s for show and performance in the art world – your nemesis is likely only performing too. Smile, even with gritted teeth, keep your distance. And, if all else fails, practice the age-old technique of suddenly being fascinated with an artwork on the other side of the room. Your victory will come when you no longer notice they’re in the room.